Out on the Field

Dating is not a spectator sport. We do not cheer or boo from the sidelines and simply call out what we think others should do. We are on the field, with limited vision and instinct reactions. We have to make decisions based on what we know - not what we can't see happening on the other side of the field.

Making decisions is easy, verbalizing is where things get more difficult. I have had a pretty busy week where decision making is involved. I wish I could say that I have chosen to do the right thing every time - but mostly I know the right thing and push past that feeling. Doing the right thing always looks negative when it's right in front of me. If I do this, which I know to be right, then someone is going to be hurt. I can't stand hurting people.

I wish I knew how to say, "no" when an option is presented, or to be more articulate about why I am crying. For all my honesty with people you wouldn't think it would be so hard to explain these things. Except that there are times in my life when a million thoughts just burst into my mind and I can't hold on to one long enough to choose it as the culprit. My feelings are usually coupled with a myriad of thoughts - no single thought holding the complete answer as to why I feel the way I feel.

All this ambiguity to state that I think I need to get my hand out of the barrel for a while. I have seen a side of myself this past week which I never thought I would. One regret after another and I think I need to spend some time figuring out who I am exactly. I need to know me a little better so I stop surprising and disappointing myself. I need to figure out who I am without the influence of other people. I'm tired of subconsciously becoming who people would like me to become. I need to strengthen the integrity of my character - and I don't think I can do that while seeking the approval of others.

To any that I have hurt or may hurt because of this, to any that have gotten to witness this side of me that I don't like, I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back but I can't, so I will work on moving forward and being a better person.

The Long Fall

There is a fine line between doing what you want and doing what you need. It is on very rare occasions that those two merge into the same cohesive objective. And more rare than that is when they become a cohesive objective on my to do list.

I have not been blessed with wants that align with needs. And while I typically find that I agree with what is right for me, I fight it tooth and nail for as long as possible. I become my own stumbling block. More often than not I convince myself that I need to “stick it out”. I like to tell myself that with just a little more time things will change, things will turn around. It’s like waiting for the same process to sporadically produce different results, nothing will change and you could waste a lot of time waiting for something that will never come.

Over the past few years I feel that I have grown a lot. There are a few things that I have learned about relationships. Despite what I have learned I don’t wish the past away. I had the opportunity to spend some time with Pen Pal last night and we talked about what happened to “us”, when each of us knew that it wasn’t going to work out. I knew early on but lived in denial; not only denial but I fought it. Instead of letting things fade I tried even harder to keep them going, tried to prove that I believed in “us” – but it was all a lie in the end no one paid more dearly for it than me.

Despite that, I am glad that I didn’t cut it off so long ago when I first realized and I can’t even be angry with him for not telling me when he realized. We learn from both the good and the bad – and while things with Pen Pal were a heartache waiting to explode, they were neutral for a long time and in that time I was able to grow more than I ever would have had I not had him influencing my life in some way. One thing I kept saying was, “while it hurt”, and I meant that – while it hurt it still provided me a fantastic learning ground.

But we aren’t always supposed to incur heartache from “sticking it out” in order to learn. Yes, we make our mistakes and we get ourselves in a rut where we have heartache and it’s good to take that and work with it…but you don’t have to learn that way. Sometimes the heartache comes in a different form. Sometimes you have to give something up to gain something better. A few years ago a friend said, “In order to get something you must give.” In order to get love you must give love; in order to get trust you must give it; etc. Sometimes though we have to add a little “up” to the end - in order to get something you must give up something else.

Sometimes I find that I am not strong enough to do this. It ties back to what I want verses what I need. I know what I need to do but I lack the faith to believe that something better is waiting for me. Not something better just around the corner, because I know that sometimes it will be further away, just out of reach and sight -forcing me to take a leap when I cannot see the distance I will have to fall.

It is the fall into the darkened abyss that makes finding the strength to do what is right so difficult. But it is whatever lies at the bottom, waiting to break my fall, that will be best for me in the long run and makes taking that leap so necessary.

I've been here before. I know this room, I've walked this floor.

Life is an intricate composition of choices that we make. And sometimes in our lives we may feel that we are repeating the same things. If life were an infinite existence of perfect days this wouldn't be so bad, but experiences are sundry. Maybe things repeat because we didn't get them right the first time. Whether there was a lesson to be learned or a decision to be made, at some point, we failed to act. Maybe there is no divine intervention with the repetition, maybe life just has so many possible experiences and we are prone to repeat certain ones.

I've been thinking a lot about this idea. Why is it that the same experiences keep coming in different packages? Could it be that life only hands me a certain number of experiences and I am doomed to repeat them for my entire existence? Or is the commonality in me? What is the one factor that stays the same? Me. So, who am I?

I don't like who I am. I mean, in general, I do. But there are certain aspects of me that I don't like. I would like to take a scalpel and physically cut away the rotting parts of my character but I can't. For a long time I would blame other people, but now I am trying to force myself to see that it is just as much me. It takes two to tango, as they say, so when my partner and I mess up the dance I can't really expect that it is all their fault. I also can't expect them to complete the dance well with me constantly tripping on my feet and stepping on their toes.

I cannot claim to be an expert in good relationships. I make a lot of mistakes. I hold on when I should let go and I let go when I should hold on and all the while I torture myself with wondering if this time I am doing the right thing. I want things to be cut and dry. I want a voice to boom down from heaven and just tell me what to do. But that's not going to happen. I have to learn to make a decision rather than waiting for someone else to make it for me. I also have to learn that sometimes doing what's right may not always feel like it is at the time, but sometimes this life is about removing the obstacles-or counterfeits- that get in the way of true happiness.

I apologize for the ambiguity of this post. This is as about as ready as I am to talk about it.

Cavities

I wrote a letter to a friend of mine, I kept feeling like I should so today I just started writing. As I looked over the final outcome of what my fingers typed up, I felt that some of it was important to share with everyone. I had a hard time writing this letter and I think it is because my personal heartache is still so very near the surface despite the feeling that I am generally "over it". I don't think I'll ever be "over it" though because it was the first "cavity" (read rest of post to understand) in my heart. While it hurts now, I know that the cavity is what makes it possible for me to find more joy later.

(Background) I was writing to him about a past heartache he had told me about, he didn't get into detail but I know that while it was a few years ago it was his first and is lingering. I see the effects of it and I want to help him, which is probably why I couldn't shake the idea of the letter.

"You mentioned before how you were hurt in the past. I don't know the details really but I do know the feeling that something like that can leave you with. It's a blow to your self confidence, it makes it difficult to really put yourself out there again, and it just really, really hurts/sucks. There is a talk by Elder Maxwell (But for a Small Moment) and he says, "The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy". Sometimes I feel like there are people who can carve out cavities in our souls and in our hearts, and while "carving" doesn't seem like the most pleasant thing (because it's not) they leave that cavity and that cavity becomes a choice for us. We can choose to board it up as best as we can and keep people out, or we can choose to look for someone who will fill it. Because I believe that those people who started carving had intended to fill it but life doesn't always go the way we plan. We get bumped and bruised and carved even, but in the end, we are to have joy. I hope you find someone to fill your cavity, someone to bring joy where once there was pain."

I kept crying while writing this letter and a part of me thinks maybe I wrote it for myself more than for my friend. I ache for PenPal, but it is an ache for the boy I knew two years ago, a boy who really didn't return from Madagascar. He didn't mean to carve out this cavity, he was just trying to make room in my heart for himself, he had never intended to leave it vacant, but life moved forward and we moved apart. It would be so easy to board it up and never let someone else try to come and fill it but I would be denying myself the opportunity to find joy.

I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Yesterday I had a much needed walk with a good friend and mentor. This woman has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and she has always given me excellent guidance. There are things she told me in high school that I have continued to apply in my life and feel I am a better person for it, she is the one who taught me that leaving your comfort zone is the best way to grow, and now she is working on showing me that I am awesome (her words).

I knew she would want to talk about several different things on our walk and I knew one of them would be Pen Pal. I guess yesterday's post was really all about prepping myself for this walk. I wanted to have a better idea of what and how I was feeling before I tried to open up to her. You see, I'm not usually one to share my feelings, I hate feeling things and more so, I hate feeling things in front of people.

I love talking with Mentor because she helps me to see things rationally. You see, I like to think that maybe I help my friends to see things rationally, but I know that whether or not that is true, I do a horrible job of getting myself to be rational. She helped me work through my emotions, what exactly I was feeling and why was I feeling that. Of course, Mentor is an optimist and kept trying to get me to hold out hope, but honestly, I don't think there is any to be had. But in the end, I can just work on me, on being the type of person who isn't going to try and physically hurt Pen Pal when I see him again, on being the type of person who is going to look beyond myself when he gets back and focus on helping him feel comfortable in a basically new place.

I don't know, I don't feel like anything has changed but I am feeling better, lighter really. It's like on our walk we found what was really at the heart of the issue, what things were lying far deeper than surface feelings.

When you are waiting on the edge of the unknown

How do I know the difference between being pathetic and making an honest effort to be a friend?

Pen Pal is back in the states. He's back on Facebook too, in fact, that is how I learned he was back (you can imagine the rush of negative emotions running through me when I saw that). It was like a punch in the stomach, like the moment when I read in his letter that he wanted to "just be friends" and all the air in my lungs seemed to escape and my throat closed up. I had to live it over again, sitting in front of my computer and I am wondering if I will have to live it all over one more time when he returns here in August, when I have to see him in person. I hope by that point I will be okay.

I waited some more, since waiting for him is a bit of a habit now, but he never wrote. I kept waiting for something, anything really but nothing came. I was left feeling completely discarded and I wondered why I didn't even merit an acknowledgment that I am still alive, that I once meant something to him. I kept warring with myself. Write him, don't write him, delete him from Facebook, don't delete him. I didn't know (and still don't) what the right thing to do was. So I waited a little more.

I know that Pen Pal and I had our rough patches and I can understand why he would not want to be with me anymore, though I don't understand why he didn't tell me sooner. Why did he keep letting me write him? Why did he ask for packages? Why did he write back? In my attempt to "be okay" it is easy for me to look at these questions and grow increasingly angry with him. It's easy for me to think that he has never meant anything he's ever said to me. Because anger seems to ease the pain. Then I have these moments of clarity where I realize that anger is a band aid and a shoddy one at that. The anger gets me thinking about our past, things that maybe I hadn't forgiven him for even though I said I had. I think the anger pulls these thoughts and feelings to the surface because I feel like he is holding our past against me. He is denying me the benefit of change and so I want to deny him of it as well. I almost feel at times like I am being punished, I don't know how else to describe this tightness in my chest.

I am trying, I am thinking about what actions to take to prove to him and to myself that the past is over and forgotten. I want to prove I can be his friend; I have been prepared for this. So, I wrote him an e-mail, something brief and mostly to just say "hello, remember me? I still exist." I mostly did this because I kept playing the "what-if" game. What if the last letter I wrote made it seem like I didn't want him to contact me? What if I sent the wrong message? What if he is waiting for me to contact him? The only way to not think about what would happen is to do it and remove all doubt. What if he doesn't respond? Well - then you have your answer don't you?

He did respond though. It was also very short, kind of to the point, and painfully nonchalant. He didn't ask any questions, he didn't really leave it open for a response. It was something. I don't know what I expected really, I think a part of me hoped he wouldn't respond and I could just hate him, and then the other part of me hoped he would strike up a conversation and I would know that he meant it when he said I was one of his greatest friends and he wanted to rebuild that.

I think the thing that hurts worse is that he seems so distant from me and harder...like a boy trying too hard to be curt so the girl will get the hint. He is a complete stranger to me now and I don't know if I am keenly aware of the situation and am reading it right or if my perception leaves me feeling like he is deliberately trying to remove me from his life. He got his packages and letters for two years so now he is done with me.

In an effort not to be overly dramatic and wash my hands of this, I wrote him back. I am not going to fight for him, friendship or otherwise (I feel I have a snowball's chance in hell in all areas), but I also won't let it be my fault that we can't be friends.

I have to keep telling myself that what the future holds is better, and it's difficult when I look around me at what possibilities there may be and everything seems dimmed, like a light bulb blew out. It's hard to fight the feeling that no one would want me when I'm staring down the barrel at someone who once claimed to have loved me, once told me that the first thing they would do when they got home was to come find me and marry me. How do you go on and try to do this again? How do you believe the next person who says something like that to you?

As I am being buffeted with these thoughts and fears, I also know deep down that things will be better and maybe the problem right now is that I am trying to rush it, I want things to be better now or better yet, yesterday. When really, just as I can't wish away the past with Pen Pal (because it taught me so much), I shouldn't wish away this experience, because there is much to be learned from these emotions and thoughts. I guess I just wish I could learn from them without feeling them and without being so hard myself. But I have made it this far in life recovering from sundry aches and pains, this isn't the end of happiness or anything, just the end of "us", and something tells me that if I just let myself have some more time and really let myself just experience this pain, I'll come out of this a better person than before.

Don't Let Yourself Go 'Cause Everybody Cries and Everybody Hurts Sometimes.

I had an excellent talk with a good friend of mine last night. We stayed up until close to 1 a.m. and I mostly just rambled about my thoughts and such. The past couple of weeks I have been getting this feeling that I am not living up to my potential. It started with a small thought in a Sunday School lesson, the teacher said, "We're all made of the same stuff". We all have the same potential in this life, it's reaching that potential, actualizing it, where we differ.

That was like a seed and the last couple of weeks have been the fertilizer, sunlight, and water. People have randomly conversed with me about not reaching my potential in my career (I guess I have to call it that), I felt spiritually I was not reaching my potential, and now it seems to have seeped into every aspect of my life.

About two weeks ago I got a letter in the mail from a boy I have been writing to for two years. Yes, two years. I hate to say it but it wasn't the best letter that I have ever received from him and for a moment I felt my world tilted on the edge. In this letter I felt like we were closing a big chapter in both of our lives. He is preparing to come home from a two year mission in Africa and I was trying to figure out what I should be preparing for. As it turns out, nothing. More waiting really, waiting to see my best friend again but not meeting in the way we left off, the way I expected us to meet again. This is what we call, "earth shattering". The plan you made for yourself is crumpled up and tossed across the room like bad and disregarded blue prints. There was hurt, anger, and pain and then the strangest of all, a sense of relief.

I have been trying to analyze things. My feelings for one, but also - where I want to go from here. That sense of relief - what did it mean? I've been wondering if I've been lying to myself, telling myself that the relief is that I am not ready for us to take the next step so now we both have more time and we can work it out. But maybe I don't want or need him any longer. Maybe I needed him when I had him, I even needed him up to the day that I got the letter, maybe a little after I got the letter. He was good and bad for me in almost equal amounts. As my friend said, "He was a gift". She said that the boys I have dated over the last two years were learning experiences, but this boy was a gift. He showed me the good I can have in a relationship, and others taught me that I want more (no offense to them. And who knows, one day they will be more to someone - just not to me).

In my talk last night I started rambling about all the things I want. I want someone to take it slow with me, to build a good, healthy relationship. I want someone who enjoys that I am silly, but also enjoys that there is more to me than just a good time, than just kissing or laughing or being crazy. I feel starved in that respect, I need a guy who enjoys having a spiritual or emotionally deep conversation (maybe even intellectual if I can muster it).

But with this I have to realize that I can't be who I have been. I settle for a physical relationship because I feel like that means he likes me and wants to be with me. I lie to myself so many times. Yes, I like kissing, very much. I like the butterflies that come from knowing that a guy wants to hold my hand or to kiss me. I like the rush of blood all over; the quickened heartbeat; the adrenaline rush, like feeling that I am standing on the edge of a cliff with nothing to stop me from falling off. But...is that how it always is? How it always starts? Cause if so, there's no one I am interested in, not physiologically at least.

My friend asked if there is any possibility with this guy who comes to town sometimes to take me out and I told her 'no'. She asked me to say why and the fact that he is moving to Georgia doesn't count. So I told her that I enjoy his company and talking to him, I honestly feel as though we are friends, but I feel nothing romantically for him. I could tell on our last date that he wanted to hold my hand and I wasn't repulsed, but I just didn't want to hold his hand. There were no butterflies at the thought that I could hold his hand, no nervous feeling that he might try to kiss me...just a hope that he wouldn't because that would ruin what we had.

I think there is a median, a place of contentment and a fertile ground for true, everlasting love to grow. It lies somewhere between crazed teenage infatuation and this dull, dead spot of non-feeling. I want to find this place, I want to build something with someone.

So, I walked away last night with a realization that there is just one more area of my life where I aim low, dating. I need to not shy away from guys I consider smarter than myself. Just because I don't have a specialized degree in some science doesn't mean I don't have an interest in intellectual things. I read up on all sorts of sundry topics I find fascinating. I have varying interests and for too long I've understood this to mean that I'm not smart enough...but maybe I just like so much I can't choose and dedicate myself single-mindedly...which is fine, since in the end I am a writer and writers have varying interests and should because then they can write varying stories...and I do enjoy my stories (warning: I am biased).

So...realization about my choices in dating - check

I've learned a lot about myself and I have a lot more to think about. Jury is still out on Pen Pal; if I can be open to rebuilding a relationship with him (should the opporutnity arise) or if I have come to realize that I was in love with a memory, not a man. But I feel like I need to work through that before I see him again, because I don't want to let myself get in a rut and waste my time on someone who doesn't want to be with me and who I shouldn't even be with.

And so my life continues as it has before and yet I feel eons older in the maturity department, I know more of who I am and what I want. I don't have it all figured out, but I feel like I know a lot more than I did a week ago.

I just don't get it.

All of my life I have been oblivious to most things. I am fine with this, ignorance is bliss as they say. But I can't help but laugh at myself later when my brain pieces together what someone tried to make happen and how I refused to understand.

A couple months ago I was getting to know a guy friend better, he had very randomly hinted that he might be interested in me (by hinted I mean he wrapped his arm around my waist and affectionately rubbed my arm - uh, hello stranger). Remember, when I was 16 I told myself everyone gets a try (which, actually, I have veered away from but this guy didn't seem so bad, I just didn't really know him). In an attempt to get to know him better we hung out the night after said arm wrappage.

We had been hanging out with a group of people and then the opportunity presented itself to be able to sit together, alone. So I took it, hoping to somehow find myself tangled up in deep, philosophical conversation (no seriously, stop laughing, I actually thought this might happen). We talked for a bit, going through the perfunctory questionnaire two people typically go through on a first date, how many siblings, what is/was your major, what are your hopes, dreams, and aspirations?

During out little tête-à-tête he kept asking me if I was comfortable the way I was sitting all while shifting his own seating. I felt fine and told him so...several times. This is kind of how a bit of the conversation would go:

"No, really, this is pretty comfortable." I would say.
"Are you sure? It's not uncomfortable for your legs like that?"
Me, looking down at legs, "Well, I guess I could stretch them out a bit."

Followed by me stretching my legs out in front of me slightly, which caused me to lean back...right into his waiting arm.

...Ohhhhhhh

I get it now. Sorry for making hitting on me so very difficult. No, I did not say that. Had I been more comfortable and more sure of his (and my) feelings I would have totally said that, that's my style. As was I kind of just let him put his arm around me...and hold my hand, and maybe even kiss me a little. But that's besides the point, the point here is, I'm typically oblivious.

Last night however, was one of those moments when I pretend to be oblivious (don't act like you've never done it...and if you honestly haven't you should try it, it's amazing). I went to class last night and sat on the back row, only one row away from a guy I am trying to avoid (details will come in a different post but only by popular demand). He turns to me with his arm resting on the back of the chair next to him and in his most "oh you darling puppy or small child" tone (you know this tone right? A hint of condescension mixed with a dash of 1950 masculinity that leaves you feeling like you want to run away) says, "Oh, don't sit on the back row all by yourself." Whenever I say, "Oh," while retelling myself this story I keep hearing my high school sign language teacher who would say, "Oh you poor baby", which was really done in sign language, but I could hear her saying it the same way every time. He said this like he was trying to be flirty and trying to get me to come sit up one more row with him.

I put on my bimbo face and voice and said, "Oh, I'm a back row kind of person. (insert ditzy laugh here)". That squelched conversation.

So there you have it, a moment where I honestly don't get it, and one where I have to pretend to be how I normally am.

The D.T.R.

The D.T.R. Define the Relationship. Most commonly known as: destroy the relationship. An awkward conversation between two people where one person requests that the other label their relationship.

The DTR. is one of the trickiest elements of dating life. For years it has been nameless but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen in 73% of relationships.*

I am Switzerland when it comes to DTRs I have had my share of good ones, bad ones, and awesomely bad ones.

To be or not to be? Personally, I think the decision to have a DTR has to be made on a case by case basis. Even though you know all the details the results are always a gamble.

DTRs can be just the thing you need to take your relationship from friendship to courtship, but you might find yourself on a very thin line. The two results: at the end of this conversation you could be in the best relationship you've ever been in or you have slightly alienated your friend and things will be awkward.

I have divided the possible DTRs into three categories. These categories can have many sundry subcategories, but for the sake of simplicity, I give you three.

The Good
In truth, I have only had one good/great DTR. Also in truth, you probably won't have many in your lifetime. That is because you won't really have many long lasting relationships (it's a law of nature, there just isn't that kind of time in your life). As the saying goes, "It just takes one."

My good/great DTR may have been so because we both knew we liked each other very much (hanging out everyday, holding hands, kissing, etc) and because we were both pretty much on the same page, we just wanted to confirm it. I initiated it, despite the fact that at the time I was anti-DTR at all costs. I just had to know for sure if he considered me his girlfriend.

Other than this, my experience with DTRs have not been good ones, so I can't really expound on The Good.

The Bad
I refer to this as the, "What are we doing here?" DTR. This usually ends badly because "What are we doing?" and "where are we going?" tend to led to the end faster than it would have normally come. In hindsight, The Bad DTR might actually be a good thing for you, but in the moment it can just really suck. I say it could be good for you because you probably wouldn't have been able to make it last much longer with this person and it's always best to end these things as soon as possible if there is no future there.

The Bad typically involves a demotion from boy/girlfriend status back to friend, that can be a very difficult transition. It's like working as a waiter in a restaurant and your manager coming up to you and saying, "Yeah, we're going to take away the benefits, but because we think you're awesome, we're going to keep you around as a bus boy and you will never leave that position."

The person who brings about this DTR is mostly telling the other person the relationship status rather than asking them to define it. It isn't the same as a break up because the person usually tries to get the other person to see it too, "You see why it won't work out don't you?", "You agree right?" They are trying to make it a mutual situation so that they don't have to be the bad guy.


The Ugly
A wise man once said, "If you have to define a relationship, chances are there isn't one." The Ugly DTRs almost always come from that friendship stage. There are several reasons for this:

1. One of you doesn't know it's coming and might be totally thrown.





2. Worse - one of you knew it might come but just prayed it wouldn't because they like you as a friend and just want your friendship.





3. The person bringing up the DTR has the most to lose, they are putting their heart out on the line in hopes that the other person feels the same way. If the other person does not there is the embarrassment in addition to an awkwardness between the two people.





4. The person whose heart was on the line will still feel the same way after the talk is over (with good or bad results).

This is the type of DTR that inspired this post. I have a friend who likes a boy and has for a while. She asked me if I thought it was time for "the talk" with said boy. Well, here's the thing, I was asked my opinion, so with all the love in my heart, I was brutally honest. I told her I didn't think that they should have the talk. (The following are my personal thoughts that were not shared in quite this fashion). It is quite possible I am wrong, but from where I sit they are just friends. If he liked her as more, he would have acted on it. He would ask her on dates and shown some kind of interest. He would initiate conversations rather than just join the one that she starts.

Here is how I saw this going, should she move forward with "the talk". She, as his friend, gets him alone while they are hanging out and gets all deep with this DTR mess. "I really like you as more than just friends and I think you might like me too."

Boy's mind is racing, you had time to think about what you were going to say and how you were going to say it, but he is just learning this for the first time (OR he was hoping this wouldn't happen because he could sense that you liked him, but he only likes you as a friend. Which is why he's careful not to start conversations with you or send the wrong message). Picture this in your mind and tell me what you see happening? Maybe I am a pessimist, but I can't see it playing out where the guy says, "Yeah, I like you too! I'm so glad we had this talk!" I see more of, "You are an awesome girl and I love being your friend, but that's all I see you as" (and that's if he's a quick thinking, emotionally intelligent person who doesn't wish to hide in their turtle shell every time an awkward situation arises).

So back to the original thought: If you have to ask, chances are...there's nothing there. You'd almost be happier not asking. I know that this sound counter productive to my "Falling" post. But, while I believe that you should fall as often as you choose, I also think you should be a little smart about it. Don't go declaring your love to just anyone, if they work for it, then don't hold it back if you feel the same way. I'm not trying to hold people back here. In the end, it is always your decision whether or not you want to have a DTR with someone, it's a free country isn't it? You need to weigh it out for yourself as to whether or not it is worth it, and you need to put your realist glasses on for a moment and see things as they really are.

In the movie, "500 Days of Summer" the main character's little sister mentions to him that when he looks back on his relationship with Summer he only saw the good parts, maybe he should step back and see the whole thing. Sometimes we see and hear what we want to hear because it makes us feel good. That's fine, but before you act on your perceptions, make sure you look at everything first.

One more movie reference and then I'll shut up. In the movie "With Honors" Monty Kessler is in love with Courtney Blumenthal and he goes to kiss her. She asks what he is doing and he says, "Ruining the friendship". A DTR "ruins" the friendship one way or the other, things change after a DTR. So you have decide if you are okay with the best and worst outcomes before you jump into a DTR.

So that's my advice...as promised, I am shutting up now.

*Note to reader, 57.6% of all statistics are made up.

Tripped on a kiss and tumbled into love

Something that I had/have a very hard time with was/is letting myself "fall". However, falling is a necessary evil. Falling itself is actually very thrilling. Just like an actual fall, with the butterflies and that, "world whizzing past you" sensation, it's kind of an adrenaline rush - not 'kind of' - it is an adrenaline rush. I guess I should correct myself, I love falling, it's the landing bit that hurts.

I "fall" quickly, I never thought I would be that type of person, but past experience has shown me that I like to jump. One thing I have noticed about jumping and falling quickly, you hit the ground pretty quickly too...and it hurts. Don't worry - I don't really learn from that.

There was a time though when I wouldn't let myself fall. I fought it tooth and nail as though someone were dragging me into it. If a guy expressed his feelings for me too quickly, I didn't trust him. Even if I had feelings for him, suddenly they would be gone, chased away.

So - today's entry is on Falling.

Falling - I support it.

I was watching this little obscure British show one evening and a line caught me by surprise. I will now paraphrase it, "To love is to lay ourselves open to hurt, but we do this because it is worth it." To love someone is to open ourselves up to endless possibilities, those possibilities could be anything. We could be loved back, we could have our hearts broken, but in the end, no matter the outcome, it was worth it.

Falling is scariest when you have fallen before and been hurt. For a girl like me, who has been wrong so many times before, letting myself fall is a scary thing. But I think that hope is what draws you to let go and fall, and you hope someone is there to catch you. Even if no one does though, you're supposed to get back up, dust yourself off, and try again. Eventually there will be someone there who won't let you hit the ground.

So my advice? Fall - it's worth it.

The Dating Analyst

I have always known that girls are prone to over analyze everything that the guy they like says or does. I learned in college that boys are just as guilty.

Like you already know, I am a pro at this Buddyland business, so you shouldn't be surprised that I was constantly hanging out with boys during college (but alas, not dating them). I was hanging out with one of my best guy friends at his apartment with his roommates. They had just gone off on how girls read into everything. I held my peace, one of the amazing things about guys forgetting you are a girl is that you get to see what it's really like on "the other side". So I listened to them, this was not really news to me, girls do over analyze things. The part that made me laugh was when ten minutes later, one of them (who happened to have a crush on his female study buddy) tells his roommates that the girl left her textbook there. Then he starts to wonder if she did it on purpose or not. Suddenly all the boys were jumping in with ideas and suggestions and saying how she probably wanted him to ask her out.

I laughed, "and girls over analyze everything?"

The room went silent, as though the boys just realized that I was there. I had infiltrated a sacred male bonding ritual. I could have heard crickets chirping. I cleared my throat and shrugged my shoulders, "she could have done it on purpose."

Conversation resumed like a car engine starting back up after a quick stall. That was a close one. But this is what I am saying, the human condition leaves us open to over analyzing things. We can read between the lines to see or hear anything our little heart desires. I am just as guilty as the next person, don't think I am immune to it, I am after all, only human.

The other night I was giving a friend some advice. He had an issue with a persistent girl with whom he had no feelings for, had never even tried to strike up anything with her, but she was certain he had feelings for her. I tried to give him a crash course in understanding that a person will read what they want to read unless you are painstakingly clear. If you have no feelings for someone say it! "So-and-so, I only like you as a friend," is the nicest way to let someone down.

My friend began to text her back and then showed me what he had written. I read it a million ways all at once. I gently told him that he could go ahead and say that, but she will read it as, "I may or may not like you, but I won't act on my feelings because of this." Which if she wants to, she'll read as, "change this and we're golden". I knew he had no interest, so I knew that wasn't what he really wanted to say. I told him to be straightforward. He didn't show me what the next one said, so I am only going to guess he wasn't straightforward. It's a difficult thing to do, I forgive him. Boys and girls alike have difficulty with this (again - guilty over here too). Not being straightforward however, just messes things up more.

When I first graduated college I immediately started to work at my old high school job (until I found something better right? Always how it starts). This job was great, because I felt 17 and I had a following of 17 year old boys who were a little obsessed - I mean, I was a college girl, who talked to them and thought most of them were funny, and would even acquiesce to hang out with some of them (only the really cool ones). There was one boy though, who fell into some serious like with me, I of course, was oblivious for obvious reasons. He was young, I was not; he was interested, I was not; oh and the whole part where boys are just not that into me. Apparently though, everything I had done...ever sent the signal that I liked him too. So he took the chance and e-mailed me about it, expressing his feelings, stating that he felt I shared those sentiments. In my effort to not break the poor boy's heart, I tried to let him down easy. I explained that I thought he was a great guy, but I didn't see anything happening. For a little extra sweetness I mentioned that there was an age difference too (in case he missed it). It was as though I hadn't said anything else, what he read was, "I think you are a great guy, if you weren't under aged I'd totally date you." Because the message I got back was, "So if I was 18 you'd date me?" This is after an in person heart to heart as well. I was frustrated at that moment and wrote back saying, "No, I'm saying I only see you as a friend." SEND.

It was the first step towards saying what I mean to people, I still have my snafus from time to time, but I usually correct them quickly.

I began this post because I had a friend ask me to analyze a question she received from a guy she liked. I was nervous for the challenge, how am I suppose to know what someone else meant? I was quite relieved when the question seemed nothing more than a question. I saw no way for it to mean anything more than one friend talking to another. I said so to my friend, who then insisted I just didn't understand the situation, the context of the question. I told her it was just my opinion, but I saw nothing there. It was like asking me to decipher what someone meant when they ask, "How are you?" ...they want to know how you're doing today.

Sometimes a question is just a question. Sometimes actions and words are not meant to be reviewed and picked over. But when we like someone, we just can't seem to help ourselves.

What every person deserves

Random Thought For The Day: I was reading through my journal (I am narcissistic, I do this from time to time) and I came across something I thought I would share with my hoards of readers.

Just a little background - I had been building this friendship with this guy (who I ended up dating and now write to him while he serves a two year mission - 2 more months to go!). This was written a day or two after the first time that he called me pretty.

Dear Diary (March 3, 2009)

"If I gain nothing else from this I at least got a guy who gives me butterflies tell me that I am pretty, and made me feel special and worth something."

Because I think this is something that everyone should be able to think/feel at some time in their life.

Speaking of which, this reminds me of a guy this last fall. At first, I had no clue he liked me until one night we were hanging out in a group and he wrapped his arm around me, even then, I wasn't sure (even now, after there's more to this story, still not sure), it was awkward to say the least. The next night a big group of us were at a party and one of my sisters had made a cake, everyone was complimenting me for it so I was sure to let them know I hadn't done it. I told the people in the kitchen that I had not made it, I didn't have that kind of talent. The aforementioned guy said, "Yeah, but you got all the looks." That's one way to say it I suppose, but the funny part was that my other sister was standing in the room so I said, "Have you met my sister?", which, in fact, he had not and his face turned cherry red. I love making people fell uncomfortable.

Queen of Buddyland

I'm that girl. The one who the guys love to be friends with, but the platonic relationship is kind of where it ends. Being called "one of the guys" fills me with a mix sentiment of pride and loathing. Sometimes I want to yell, "But I'm not one of the guys! Look at me! See me! I'm a girl!" Other times I get a smug sense of satisfaction and a smirk spreads across my face and I think, "That's right."

Boys who are already in relationships often tell me that they can't understand why I'm not. I have been described to girlfriends and wives as; funny, awesome, pretty, cool, (and pretty cool), level-headed, in need of a good kiss by someone who knows how (this was the most uncomfortable because it was said directly to me by a married man...*creeped-out shiver*). I'm the girl every guy wants as a girlfriend...but there is something missing because I have rarely been a girlfriend.

In high school I dubbed this state-of-being as "Buddyland". I seemed forever trapped as "Man's Best Friend" (sorry Lassie). Guys who I would hang out with on a daily basis, guys who I loved and pined for, would ask me advice on girls, tell me their woes and heartaches, and I - what did I do? I consoled, I advised, I put my heart on a shelf and was "there for them".

I did this for nearly a decade and I am here to testify that there are only so many times you can tell someone that each girl is different from the next, just as each guy is different from the next before it starts to get old.

All this experience beefed up my resume and taught me a lot about the opposite sex, so in college I became the Mayor of Buddyland, by then I had a following. Single girls who had heard my theories and felt that I was on to something. A following though brings questions from each citizen of Buddyland who wonders eagerly, "How do I get out?".

How do I get out?

What a loaded question! The worst part about the dating game is the whole part where participants are seeking answers. There is no answer key to this, no definite answers at least.

• You can cut and dye your hair


• You can dumb yourself down or read up on his favorite topics


• You can lose/gain weight to fit someone's image of perfection


• You can just be yourself and hold on, someone will come

I like the last option, though some may consider it a cop-out, but here's the thing. You can go around changing yourself all you like to fit what someone else thinks they want, but chances are high you'll still be in Buddyland. Normally, if a guy doesn't immediately see you as a potential, he's not going to change his mind. If he sincerely sees you as "just friends" you're likely to stay there for the rest of your life. That isn't to say that he asks you out right away though, some guys want to build the friendship before the first date, from there, they make their final decision- Friend or Girlfriend? (or option 3: take her on a couple of dates because I'm still interested but not sure I want to completely commit to this one).

And I don't know much, but I do know that most guys aren't going to come running at you from across the room expressing their feelings before they are sure (some do and if you like that sort of thing more power to you...most girls though will go running in the other direction). Hanging in there is tough, like that cat on the tree branch waiting.

Unfortunately though, the only tried and true answer I have for how to escape Buddyland is to wait. Your stay in Buddyland is not forever, it is only until you find another citizen (or they find you) and the two of you decide together that it's time to leave...for a period of time or for forever.

And in case you're wondering how I went from mayor to Queen...it was decided recently - because I am not up for reelection and I was never elected in the first place, leadership in this area was bestowed upon me by a higher power. Friend tested and Pope approved.

In the beginning

Dating has long since been a fascination of the single. The fascination only grows in intensity as one gets older, as years pass them by and they find themselves still unmarried. I am one such person. Don't get me wrong, I don't spend my days pining for marriage. Married life and Single life have one main thing in common, they both have their problems, their pros and cons. So, while I wait for the next trial-filled stage of my life, I am learning as much as I can from this stage. I didn't begin to date until I was 16. All of my life I grew up knowing that dating came when you were 16, just as a driver's license does, or voting comes at 18, or being able to rent a car comes at the ripe old age of 25. I had my crushes in the meantime and dreamt about one day being asked out by them. I tried to visualize myself at 16, I would be tall and skinny with long, flowing brown hair and I would date this guy:

That's what you do at 16 right? Well, at least I was tall.

When I was young and idealistic I told myself that I would always give boys a chance. Everyone deserves at least one date right? I also thought I would meet the love of my life and be married with a little one on the way by the time I was twenty. It's interesting to think back to how simply I thought life could turn out, as though I could, with a Bewitched twitching of the nose, make my dreams come true.

I started this blog, because while I'm no expert, I have a lot of experience. Experience in falling on my face, messing up relationships, going on dates, having my heart broken, falling too quickly, and the list goes on and on. I have learned a lot about myself in the process, I wouldn't exchange even one heartbreak because every bump and bruise along the way as taught me something, has made me who I am and has prepared me to one day be someone's incredibly awesome, tough skinned, loving, go with the flow, wife. Yes, I've got one lucky man waiting for me in the future.

My purpose here? To write about my past and my present, to hope for the future, to talk about the good dates and the bad, the losses and the wins, and to share my overall general and random thoughts on this game of life and love.