Just Believe

A few weeks ago I had a friend ask me how she could focus on controllable things in her life while not ignoring or getting sad about the uncontrollable things in her life.

For example, you can control when you purchase a home, you save, clear up your credit, talk to a financial advisor and a realtor, get a loan, etc.  But you cannot control when you will find someone to share that home with. 

It's an interesting situation, basically the question is - how do you not lose hope for those desires which are good, but are kind of out of your immediate control?

I don't feel qualified to answer that question as in my experience I have constantly wavered.  Twice now I have thought I found what I was looking for only to realize that it wasn't.  I have had my bumps and bruises along the way and things have "blown up in my face".  Each time there is a disappointment or an upset, I falter.  I can tell you that not having hope is debilitating.  It makes you pull in to yourself, makes you unable to bear anything good and happy in the lives of others because you feel like you'll never have that for yourself.  It's undesirable, so I can see why my friend would like to avoid that.

I answered as best I could, not sure if it helped at all.  I later took the same question to a different friend of mine.  Basically he said, "just believe."  Which seems so easy to say but harder to do.  However, I've been thinking about it, I've thought of belief as something that someone just has, for me, believing is a struggle while others don't even bat an eyelash.  Believing, like happiness and so many other abstract things, comes down to a decision.  You choose whether to believe or not. 

As I have thought about it more, I realize that I apply different levels of faith to different things.  In a month, I will need a new roommate, there are no prospects for a roommate at this time, but I'm not worried, I know someone will come along.  Why can I believe so strongly that that situation will work out, but I falter when it comes to believing that I will find someone to be with?

I met up with my friend again last week and amended my answer to her.  I still stood by my original answer, but added to it that it takes faith, it takes choosing to believe because we want to believe.  I also told her that people are attracted to confidence and to people who make them feel good about themselves.  (I know that I can't be the only one who wants to hang out with someone who genuinely makes me feel good about myself).  It may take some time to feel reciprocation from people, but eventually, if you make it your goal to make others feel good, without expectations of return (because people can sometimes sense that), then you'll start to get it back.  Maybe not from everyone, but from those who matter most.

Always take "advice" I give with a grain of salt.  Remember that no two people are the same, there's no set "formula" for finding someone to date (or getting them to date you).  I'm still figuring things out just like the next person and to be honest, I don't know how I get from one boyfriend to the next.   But even if I'm wrong, and focusing on making other people feel good about themselves doesn't help you to find someone to date and possibly marry, how could you really go wrong? You'll still be a person people like to be around.