Cavities

I wrote a letter to a friend of mine, I kept feeling like I should so today I just started writing. As I looked over the final outcome of what my fingers typed up, I felt that some of it was important to share with everyone. I had a hard time writing this letter and I think it is because my personal heartache is still so very near the surface despite the feeling that I am generally "over it". I don't think I'll ever be "over it" though because it was the first "cavity" (read rest of post to understand) in my heart. While it hurts now, I know that the cavity is what makes it possible for me to find more joy later.

(Background) I was writing to him about a past heartache he had told me about, he didn't get into detail but I know that while it was a few years ago it was his first and is lingering. I see the effects of it and I want to help him, which is probably why I couldn't shake the idea of the letter.

"You mentioned before how you were hurt in the past. I don't know the details really but I do know the feeling that something like that can leave you with. It's a blow to your self confidence, it makes it difficult to really put yourself out there again, and it just really, really hurts/sucks. There is a talk by Elder Maxwell (But for a Small Moment) and he says, "The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy". Sometimes I feel like there are people who can carve out cavities in our souls and in our hearts, and while "carving" doesn't seem like the most pleasant thing (because it's not) they leave that cavity and that cavity becomes a choice for us. We can choose to board it up as best as we can and keep people out, or we can choose to look for someone who will fill it. Because I believe that those people who started carving had intended to fill it but life doesn't always go the way we plan. We get bumped and bruised and carved even, but in the end, we are to have joy. I hope you find someone to fill your cavity, someone to bring joy where once there was pain."

I kept crying while writing this letter and a part of me thinks maybe I wrote it for myself more than for my friend. I ache for PenPal, but it is an ache for the boy I knew two years ago, a boy who really didn't return from Madagascar. He didn't mean to carve out this cavity, he was just trying to make room in my heart for himself, he had never intended to leave it vacant, but life moved forward and we moved apart. It would be so easy to board it up and never let someone else try to come and fill it but I would be denying myself the opportunity to find joy.