I just don't get it.

All of my life I have been oblivious to most things. I am fine with this, ignorance is bliss as they say. But I can't help but laugh at myself later when my brain pieces together what someone tried to make happen and how I refused to understand.

A couple months ago I was getting to know a guy friend better, he had very randomly hinted that he might be interested in me (by hinted I mean he wrapped his arm around my waist and affectionately rubbed my arm - uh, hello stranger). Remember, when I was 16 I told myself everyone gets a try (which, actually, I have veered away from but this guy didn't seem so bad, I just didn't really know him). In an attempt to get to know him better we hung out the night after said arm wrappage.

We had been hanging out with a group of people and then the opportunity presented itself to be able to sit together, alone. So I took it, hoping to somehow find myself tangled up in deep, philosophical conversation (no seriously, stop laughing, I actually thought this might happen). We talked for a bit, going through the perfunctory questionnaire two people typically go through on a first date, how many siblings, what is/was your major, what are your hopes, dreams, and aspirations?

During out little tête-à-tête he kept asking me if I was comfortable the way I was sitting all while shifting his own seating. I felt fine and told him so...several times. This is kind of how a bit of the conversation would go:

"No, really, this is pretty comfortable." I would say.
"Are you sure? It's not uncomfortable for your legs like that?"
Me, looking down at legs, "Well, I guess I could stretch them out a bit."

Followed by me stretching my legs out in front of me slightly, which caused me to lean back...right into his waiting arm.

...Ohhhhhhh

I get it now. Sorry for making hitting on me so very difficult. No, I did not say that. Had I been more comfortable and more sure of his (and my) feelings I would have totally said that, that's my style. As was I kind of just let him put his arm around me...and hold my hand, and maybe even kiss me a little. But that's besides the point, the point here is, I'm typically oblivious.

Last night however, was one of those moments when I pretend to be oblivious (don't act like you've never done it...and if you honestly haven't you should try it, it's amazing). I went to class last night and sat on the back row, only one row away from a guy I am trying to avoid (details will come in a different post but only by popular demand). He turns to me with his arm resting on the back of the chair next to him and in his most "oh you darling puppy or small child" tone (you know this tone right? A hint of condescension mixed with a dash of 1950 masculinity that leaves you feeling like you want to run away) says, "Oh, don't sit on the back row all by yourself." Whenever I say, "Oh," while retelling myself this story I keep hearing my high school sign language teacher who would say, "Oh you poor baby", which was really done in sign language, but I could hear her saying it the same way every time. He said this like he was trying to be flirty and trying to get me to come sit up one more row with him.

I put on my bimbo face and voice and said, "Oh, I'm a back row kind of person. (insert ditzy laugh here)". That squelched conversation.

So there you have it, a moment where I honestly don't get it, and one where I have to pretend to be how I normally am.

The D.T.R.

The D.T.R. Define the Relationship. Most commonly known as: destroy the relationship. An awkward conversation between two people where one person requests that the other label their relationship.

The DTR. is one of the trickiest elements of dating life. For years it has been nameless but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen in 73% of relationships.*

I am Switzerland when it comes to DTRs I have had my share of good ones, bad ones, and awesomely bad ones.

To be or not to be? Personally, I think the decision to have a DTR has to be made on a case by case basis. Even though you know all the details the results are always a gamble.

DTRs can be just the thing you need to take your relationship from friendship to courtship, but you might find yourself on a very thin line. The two results: at the end of this conversation you could be in the best relationship you've ever been in or you have slightly alienated your friend and things will be awkward.

I have divided the possible DTRs into three categories. These categories can have many sundry subcategories, but for the sake of simplicity, I give you three.

The Good
In truth, I have only had one good/great DTR. Also in truth, you probably won't have many in your lifetime. That is because you won't really have many long lasting relationships (it's a law of nature, there just isn't that kind of time in your life). As the saying goes, "It just takes one."

My good/great DTR may have been so because we both knew we liked each other very much (hanging out everyday, holding hands, kissing, etc) and because we were both pretty much on the same page, we just wanted to confirm it. I initiated it, despite the fact that at the time I was anti-DTR at all costs. I just had to know for sure if he considered me his girlfriend.

Other than this, my experience with DTRs have not been good ones, so I can't really expound on The Good.

The Bad
I refer to this as the, "What are we doing here?" DTR. This usually ends badly because "What are we doing?" and "where are we going?" tend to led to the end faster than it would have normally come. In hindsight, The Bad DTR might actually be a good thing for you, but in the moment it can just really suck. I say it could be good for you because you probably wouldn't have been able to make it last much longer with this person and it's always best to end these things as soon as possible if there is no future there.

The Bad typically involves a demotion from boy/girlfriend status back to friend, that can be a very difficult transition. It's like working as a waiter in a restaurant and your manager coming up to you and saying, "Yeah, we're going to take away the benefits, but because we think you're awesome, we're going to keep you around as a bus boy and you will never leave that position."

The person who brings about this DTR is mostly telling the other person the relationship status rather than asking them to define it. It isn't the same as a break up because the person usually tries to get the other person to see it too, "You see why it won't work out don't you?", "You agree right?" They are trying to make it a mutual situation so that they don't have to be the bad guy.


The Ugly
A wise man once said, "If you have to define a relationship, chances are there isn't one." The Ugly DTRs almost always come from that friendship stage. There are several reasons for this:

1. One of you doesn't know it's coming and might be totally thrown.





2. Worse - one of you knew it might come but just prayed it wouldn't because they like you as a friend and just want your friendship.





3. The person bringing up the DTR has the most to lose, they are putting their heart out on the line in hopes that the other person feels the same way. If the other person does not there is the embarrassment in addition to an awkwardness between the two people.





4. The person whose heart was on the line will still feel the same way after the talk is over (with good or bad results).

This is the type of DTR that inspired this post. I have a friend who likes a boy and has for a while. She asked me if I thought it was time for "the talk" with said boy. Well, here's the thing, I was asked my opinion, so with all the love in my heart, I was brutally honest. I told her I didn't think that they should have the talk. (The following are my personal thoughts that were not shared in quite this fashion). It is quite possible I am wrong, but from where I sit they are just friends. If he liked her as more, he would have acted on it. He would ask her on dates and shown some kind of interest. He would initiate conversations rather than just join the one that she starts.

Here is how I saw this going, should she move forward with "the talk". She, as his friend, gets him alone while they are hanging out and gets all deep with this DTR mess. "I really like you as more than just friends and I think you might like me too."

Boy's mind is racing, you had time to think about what you were going to say and how you were going to say it, but he is just learning this for the first time (OR he was hoping this wouldn't happen because he could sense that you liked him, but he only likes you as a friend. Which is why he's careful not to start conversations with you or send the wrong message). Picture this in your mind and tell me what you see happening? Maybe I am a pessimist, but I can't see it playing out where the guy says, "Yeah, I like you too! I'm so glad we had this talk!" I see more of, "You are an awesome girl and I love being your friend, but that's all I see you as" (and that's if he's a quick thinking, emotionally intelligent person who doesn't wish to hide in their turtle shell every time an awkward situation arises).

So back to the original thought: If you have to ask, chances are...there's nothing there. You'd almost be happier not asking. I know that this sound counter productive to my "Falling" post. But, while I believe that you should fall as often as you choose, I also think you should be a little smart about it. Don't go declaring your love to just anyone, if they work for it, then don't hold it back if you feel the same way. I'm not trying to hold people back here. In the end, it is always your decision whether or not you want to have a DTR with someone, it's a free country isn't it? You need to weigh it out for yourself as to whether or not it is worth it, and you need to put your realist glasses on for a moment and see things as they really are.

In the movie, "500 Days of Summer" the main character's little sister mentions to him that when he looks back on his relationship with Summer he only saw the good parts, maybe he should step back and see the whole thing. Sometimes we see and hear what we want to hear because it makes us feel good. That's fine, but before you act on your perceptions, make sure you look at everything first.

One more movie reference and then I'll shut up. In the movie "With Honors" Monty Kessler is in love with Courtney Blumenthal and he goes to kiss her. She asks what he is doing and he says, "Ruining the friendship". A DTR "ruins" the friendship one way or the other, things change after a DTR. So you have decide if you are okay with the best and worst outcomes before you jump into a DTR.

So that's my advice...as promised, I am shutting up now.

*Note to reader, 57.6% of all statistics are made up.