Tripped on a kiss and tumbled into love

Something that I had/have a very hard time with was/is letting myself "fall". However, falling is a necessary evil. Falling itself is actually very thrilling. Just like an actual fall, with the butterflies and that, "world whizzing past you" sensation, it's kind of an adrenaline rush - not 'kind of' - it is an adrenaline rush. I guess I should correct myself, I love falling, it's the landing bit that hurts.

I "fall" quickly, I never thought I would be that type of person, but past experience has shown me that I like to jump. One thing I have noticed about jumping and falling quickly, you hit the ground pretty quickly too...and it hurts. Don't worry - I don't really learn from that.

There was a time though when I wouldn't let myself fall. I fought it tooth and nail as though someone were dragging me into it. If a guy expressed his feelings for me too quickly, I didn't trust him. Even if I had feelings for him, suddenly they would be gone, chased away.

So - today's entry is on Falling.

Falling - I support it.

I was watching this little obscure British show one evening and a line caught me by surprise. I will now paraphrase it, "To love is to lay ourselves open to hurt, but we do this because it is worth it." To love someone is to open ourselves up to endless possibilities, those possibilities could be anything. We could be loved back, we could have our hearts broken, but in the end, no matter the outcome, it was worth it.

Falling is scariest when you have fallen before and been hurt. For a girl like me, who has been wrong so many times before, letting myself fall is a scary thing. But I think that hope is what draws you to let go and fall, and you hope someone is there to catch you. Even if no one does though, you're supposed to get back up, dust yourself off, and try again. Eventually there will be someone there who won't let you hit the ground.

So my advice? Fall - it's worth it.

The Dating Analyst

I have always known that girls are prone to over analyze everything that the guy they like says or does. I learned in college that boys are just as guilty.

Like you already know, I am a pro at this Buddyland business, so you shouldn't be surprised that I was constantly hanging out with boys during college (but alas, not dating them). I was hanging out with one of my best guy friends at his apartment with his roommates. They had just gone off on how girls read into everything. I held my peace, one of the amazing things about guys forgetting you are a girl is that you get to see what it's really like on "the other side". So I listened to them, this was not really news to me, girls do over analyze things. The part that made me laugh was when ten minutes later, one of them (who happened to have a crush on his female study buddy) tells his roommates that the girl left her textbook there. Then he starts to wonder if she did it on purpose or not. Suddenly all the boys were jumping in with ideas and suggestions and saying how she probably wanted him to ask her out.

I laughed, "and girls over analyze everything?"

The room went silent, as though the boys just realized that I was there. I had infiltrated a sacred male bonding ritual. I could have heard crickets chirping. I cleared my throat and shrugged my shoulders, "she could have done it on purpose."

Conversation resumed like a car engine starting back up after a quick stall. That was a close one. But this is what I am saying, the human condition leaves us open to over analyzing things. We can read between the lines to see or hear anything our little heart desires. I am just as guilty as the next person, don't think I am immune to it, I am after all, only human.

The other night I was giving a friend some advice. He had an issue with a persistent girl with whom he had no feelings for, had never even tried to strike up anything with her, but she was certain he had feelings for her. I tried to give him a crash course in understanding that a person will read what they want to read unless you are painstakingly clear. If you have no feelings for someone say it! "So-and-so, I only like you as a friend," is the nicest way to let someone down.

My friend began to text her back and then showed me what he had written. I read it a million ways all at once. I gently told him that he could go ahead and say that, but she will read it as, "I may or may not like you, but I won't act on my feelings because of this." Which if she wants to, she'll read as, "change this and we're golden". I knew he had no interest, so I knew that wasn't what he really wanted to say. I told him to be straightforward. He didn't show me what the next one said, so I am only going to guess he wasn't straightforward. It's a difficult thing to do, I forgive him. Boys and girls alike have difficulty with this (again - guilty over here too). Not being straightforward however, just messes things up more.

When I first graduated college I immediately started to work at my old high school job (until I found something better right? Always how it starts). This job was great, because I felt 17 and I had a following of 17 year old boys who were a little obsessed - I mean, I was a college girl, who talked to them and thought most of them were funny, and would even acquiesce to hang out with some of them (only the really cool ones). There was one boy though, who fell into some serious like with me, I of course, was oblivious for obvious reasons. He was young, I was not; he was interested, I was not; oh and the whole part where boys are just not that into me. Apparently though, everything I had done...ever sent the signal that I liked him too. So he took the chance and e-mailed me about it, expressing his feelings, stating that he felt I shared those sentiments. In my effort to not break the poor boy's heart, I tried to let him down easy. I explained that I thought he was a great guy, but I didn't see anything happening. For a little extra sweetness I mentioned that there was an age difference too (in case he missed it). It was as though I hadn't said anything else, what he read was, "I think you are a great guy, if you weren't under aged I'd totally date you." Because the message I got back was, "So if I was 18 you'd date me?" This is after an in person heart to heart as well. I was frustrated at that moment and wrote back saying, "No, I'm saying I only see you as a friend." SEND.

It was the first step towards saying what I mean to people, I still have my snafus from time to time, but I usually correct them quickly.

I began this post because I had a friend ask me to analyze a question she received from a guy she liked. I was nervous for the challenge, how am I suppose to know what someone else meant? I was quite relieved when the question seemed nothing more than a question. I saw no way for it to mean anything more than one friend talking to another. I said so to my friend, who then insisted I just didn't understand the situation, the context of the question. I told her it was just my opinion, but I saw nothing there. It was like asking me to decipher what someone meant when they ask, "How are you?" ...they want to know how you're doing today.

Sometimes a question is just a question. Sometimes actions and words are not meant to be reviewed and picked over. But when we like someone, we just can't seem to help ourselves.

What every person deserves

Random Thought For The Day: I was reading through my journal (I am narcissistic, I do this from time to time) and I came across something I thought I would share with my hoards of readers.

Just a little background - I had been building this friendship with this guy (who I ended up dating and now write to him while he serves a two year mission - 2 more months to go!). This was written a day or two after the first time that he called me pretty.

Dear Diary (March 3, 2009)

"If I gain nothing else from this I at least got a guy who gives me butterflies tell me that I am pretty, and made me feel special and worth something."

Because I think this is something that everyone should be able to think/feel at some time in their life.

Speaking of which, this reminds me of a guy this last fall. At first, I had no clue he liked me until one night we were hanging out in a group and he wrapped his arm around me, even then, I wasn't sure (even now, after there's more to this story, still not sure), it was awkward to say the least. The next night a big group of us were at a party and one of my sisters had made a cake, everyone was complimenting me for it so I was sure to let them know I hadn't done it. I told the people in the kitchen that I had not made it, I didn't have that kind of talent. The aforementioned guy said, "Yeah, but you got all the looks." That's one way to say it I suppose, but the funny part was that my other sister was standing in the room so I said, "Have you met my sister?", which, in fact, he had not and his face turned cherry red. I love making people fell uncomfortable.

Queen of Buddyland

I'm that girl. The one who the guys love to be friends with, but the platonic relationship is kind of where it ends. Being called "one of the guys" fills me with a mix sentiment of pride and loathing. Sometimes I want to yell, "But I'm not one of the guys! Look at me! See me! I'm a girl!" Other times I get a smug sense of satisfaction and a smirk spreads across my face and I think, "That's right."

Boys who are already in relationships often tell me that they can't understand why I'm not. I have been described to girlfriends and wives as; funny, awesome, pretty, cool, (and pretty cool), level-headed, in need of a good kiss by someone who knows how (this was the most uncomfortable because it was said directly to me by a married man...*creeped-out shiver*). I'm the girl every guy wants as a girlfriend...but there is something missing because I have rarely been a girlfriend.

In high school I dubbed this state-of-being as "Buddyland". I seemed forever trapped as "Man's Best Friend" (sorry Lassie). Guys who I would hang out with on a daily basis, guys who I loved and pined for, would ask me advice on girls, tell me their woes and heartaches, and I - what did I do? I consoled, I advised, I put my heart on a shelf and was "there for them".

I did this for nearly a decade and I am here to testify that there are only so many times you can tell someone that each girl is different from the next, just as each guy is different from the next before it starts to get old.

All this experience beefed up my resume and taught me a lot about the opposite sex, so in college I became the Mayor of Buddyland, by then I had a following. Single girls who had heard my theories and felt that I was on to something. A following though brings questions from each citizen of Buddyland who wonders eagerly, "How do I get out?".

How do I get out?

What a loaded question! The worst part about the dating game is the whole part where participants are seeking answers. There is no answer key to this, no definite answers at least.

• You can cut and dye your hair


• You can dumb yourself down or read up on his favorite topics


• You can lose/gain weight to fit someone's image of perfection


• You can just be yourself and hold on, someone will come

I like the last option, though some may consider it a cop-out, but here's the thing. You can go around changing yourself all you like to fit what someone else thinks they want, but chances are high you'll still be in Buddyland. Normally, if a guy doesn't immediately see you as a potential, he's not going to change his mind. If he sincerely sees you as "just friends" you're likely to stay there for the rest of your life. That isn't to say that he asks you out right away though, some guys want to build the friendship before the first date, from there, they make their final decision- Friend or Girlfriend? (or option 3: take her on a couple of dates because I'm still interested but not sure I want to completely commit to this one).

And I don't know much, but I do know that most guys aren't going to come running at you from across the room expressing their feelings before they are sure (some do and if you like that sort of thing more power to you...most girls though will go running in the other direction). Hanging in there is tough, like that cat on the tree branch waiting.

Unfortunately though, the only tried and true answer I have for how to escape Buddyland is to wait. Your stay in Buddyland is not forever, it is only until you find another citizen (or they find you) and the two of you decide together that it's time to leave...for a period of time or for forever.

And in case you're wondering how I went from mayor to Queen...it was decided recently - because I am not up for reelection and I was never elected in the first place, leadership in this area was bestowed upon me by a higher power. Friend tested and Pope approved.

In the beginning

Dating has long since been a fascination of the single. The fascination only grows in intensity as one gets older, as years pass them by and they find themselves still unmarried. I am one such person. Don't get me wrong, I don't spend my days pining for marriage. Married life and Single life have one main thing in common, they both have their problems, their pros and cons. So, while I wait for the next trial-filled stage of my life, I am learning as much as I can from this stage. I didn't begin to date until I was 16. All of my life I grew up knowing that dating came when you were 16, just as a driver's license does, or voting comes at 18, or being able to rent a car comes at the ripe old age of 25. I had my crushes in the meantime and dreamt about one day being asked out by them. I tried to visualize myself at 16, I would be tall and skinny with long, flowing brown hair and I would date this guy:

That's what you do at 16 right? Well, at least I was tall.

When I was young and idealistic I told myself that I would always give boys a chance. Everyone deserves at least one date right? I also thought I would meet the love of my life and be married with a little one on the way by the time I was twenty. It's interesting to think back to how simply I thought life could turn out, as though I could, with a Bewitched twitching of the nose, make my dreams come true.

I started this blog, because while I'm no expert, I have a lot of experience. Experience in falling on my face, messing up relationships, going on dates, having my heart broken, falling too quickly, and the list goes on and on. I have learned a lot about myself in the process, I wouldn't exchange even one heartbreak because every bump and bruise along the way as taught me something, has made me who I am and has prepared me to one day be someone's incredibly awesome, tough skinned, loving, go with the flow, wife. Yes, I've got one lucky man waiting for me in the future.

My purpose here? To write about my past and my present, to hope for the future, to talk about the good dates and the bad, the losses and the wins, and to share my overall general and random thoughts on this game of life and love.