I've been here before. I know this room, I've walked this floor.

Life is an intricate composition of choices that we make. And sometimes in our lives we may feel that we are repeating the same things. If life were an infinite existence of perfect days this wouldn't be so bad, but experiences are sundry. Maybe things repeat because we didn't get them right the first time. Whether there was a lesson to be learned or a decision to be made, at some point, we failed to act. Maybe there is no divine intervention with the repetition, maybe life just has so many possible experiences and we are prone to repeat certain ones.

I've been thinking a lot about this idea. Why is it that the same experiences keep coming in different packages? Could it be that life only hands me a certain number of experiences and I am doomed to repeat them for my entire existence? Or is the commonality in me? What is the one factor that stays the same? Me. So, who am I?

I don't like who I am. I mean, in general, I do. But there are certain aspects of me that I don't like. I would like to take a scalpel and physically cut away the rotting parts of my character but I can't. For a long time I would blame other people, but now I am trying to force myself to see that it is just as much me. It takes two to tango, as they say, so when my partner and I mess up the dance I can't really expect that it is all their fault. I also can't expect them to complete the dance well with me constantly tripping on my feet and stepping on their toes.

I cannot claim to be an expert in good relationships. I make a lot of mistakes. I hold on when I should let go and I let go when I should hold on and all the while I torture myself with wondering if this time I am doing the right thing. I want things to be cut and dry. I want a voice to boom down from heaven and just tell me what to do. But that's not going to happen. I have to learn to make a decision rather than waiting for someone else to make it for me. I also have to learn that sometimes doing what's right may not always feel like it is at the time, but sometimes this life is about removing the obstacles-or counterfeits- that get in the way of true happiness.

I apologize for the ambiguity of this post. This is as about as ready as I am to talk about it.