Out on the Field

Dating is not a spectator sport. We do not cheer or boo from the sidelines and simply call out what we think others should do. We are on the field, with limited vision and instinct reactions. We have to make decisions based on what we know - not what we can't see happening on the other side of the field.

Making decisions is easy, verbalizing is where things get more difficult. I have had a pretty busy week where decision making is involved. I wish I could say that I have chosen to do the right thing every time - but mostly I know the right thing and push past that feeling. Doing the right thing always looks negative when it's right in front of me. If I do this, which I know to be right, then someone is going to be hurt. I can't stand hurting people.

I wish I knew how to say, "no" when an option is presented, or to be more articulate about why I am crying. For all my honesty with people you wouldn't think it would be so hard to explain these things. Except that there are times in my life when a million thoughts just burst into my mind and I can't hold on to one long enough to choose it as the culprit. My feelings are usually coupled with a myriad of thoughts - no single thought holding the complete answer as to why I feel the way I feel.

All this ambiguity to state that I think I need to get my hand out of the barrel for a while. I have seen a side of myself this past week which I never thought I would. One regret after another and I think I need to spend some time figuring out who I am exactly. I need to know me a little better so I stop surprising and disappointing myself. I need to figure out who I am without the influence of other people. I'm tired of subconsciously becoming who people would like me to become. I need to strengthen the integrity of my character - and I don't think I can do that while seeking the approval of others.

To any that I have hurt or may hurt because of this, to any that have gotten to witness this side of me that I don't like, I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back but I can't, so I will work on moving forward and being a better person.